2006-2010 代寫MBA Essay Best Writing All Right Reserved

01270
Project Manager Kellogg MBA program
代寫MBA Essay Admission
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Describe your key leadership experiences and evaluate what leadership areas you hope to develop through  your MBA experience.
Working at [Company A] was challenging from the beginning. My new team had experienced three years of poor
performance and accumulated $200,000 in lost revenue when I took up the position of the research manager in
My objective was to improve our performance and increase profitability in two years. After a week of thoroughly
investigating the operational process and conducting a series of meetings with team members and our division
director, I realized that our performance was plagued by low morale, high operating costs, and declining
productivity. As research manager, I set two goals for myself: to foster a more positive work environment and to
increase team performance. To improve morale, I began by talking to people during their breaks, asking questions,
and getting to know them better. I arranged for the team to have regular dinners together, and if we were working
late, I would order pizza, fried chicken, or Chinese food. By the end of the project, my team voted on its favorite
restaurant, and we went there to celebrate. To increase productivity, I started with committing myself to the project
and firmly discussing my vision with each team member. Next, I led the team in drafting a mission statement and
clearly defining our goals. Once all my teammates understood their roles in a larger context, they began to find
innovative solutions to problems that were previously viewed as handicaps inherent to an older manufacturing
facility. Each person was motivated in different ways. For example, Ms. Tan, the operations assistant, responded
much better to operational requests; Mr. Peng, the manufacturing engineer, required firmer guidance than previously.
Finally, I convinced our team to start a third shift every two weeks. We also identified metrics by which we would
track our progress.
Comment [PC1]: Indent here.
Comment [PC2]: This awkward. In English it
seems strange to say that you ‘accumulated losses.’
The verb “accumulate” is positive whereas “to lose”
(past participle ‘lost’) has a negative connotation. I
would suggest rephrasing this: i.e. “…and had lost
over $200,000 in revenues.”
Comment [PC3]: ‘of the’ is not idiomatic, just
use “…of Project Manager.” (no article ‘the’)
Comment [PC4]: “within” is better than “in”
Comment [PC5]: Try “several” instead; this
sentence is long enough already. In a rewrite, try
condensing it.
Comment [PC6]: “conversing with” would be#p#分頁標題#e#
stronger.
Comment [PC7]: Delete this word, its
unnecessary.
Comment [PC8]: Add, “As well,” here to open
this sentence.
Comment [PC9]: This is sentence seems to be a
run-on. Delete this and make two sentences out of it.
“…dinners together. If we….”
Comment [PC10]: “Towards” instead of “By”
Comment [PC11]: Just say “I dedicated
myself…”
Comment [PC12]: Drop “and” and replace with
“by”
Comment [PC13]: Insert “had”
Comment [PC14]: “broader” is stronger here
than “larger”
Comment [PC15]: Try “discover” instead of
“find”
Comment [PC16]:
Comment [PC17R16]: “Typical of” instead of
“inherent to”
Comment [PC18]: This sentence is unclear,
‘…the operations assistant, responded much better to
operational requests…’ You use the same base word
to describe both Ms. Tan’s job title and the technique
you (the narrator) used to “motivate” her. Describe
the type of “request” with a different modifier:
‘procedural,’ ‘protocol,’ ‘administrative,’ etc.
Comment [PC19]: Delete (unnecessary).
Comment [PC20]: Incorrect word; try “means”
or “measures.”
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I am proud that my effective leadership contributed to our success. In the following three months, we increased
efficiency, reduced operating expenses by 7%, and nearly doubled the production of two operational facilities. The
increased revenue and decreased spending had an immediate effect. With a quarter of the year left, we had already
doubled our year-end goal and reported a net profit for the first time in five years. In recognition of our excellent
performance, my team received the “Team Achievement Award” from our division’s senior management. During
my tenure at [Company A], I found that our division had suffered significant revenue losses due to environmental
pollution, which was mainly caused by chemical waste such as mercuric salt. This problem also adversely affected
[Company A]’s reputation in the surrounding community and threatened the pace of our continued development.
Determined to reduce this pollution, on my own initiative, our team successfully replaced expensive and
environmentally harmful mercuric salt with a low-cost, recyclable copper substitute, saving our division $42,000 in
disposal costs each year. In addition, I led my team to take several steps to enhance our relationship with our
neighbors such as donating funds to community services, taking supportive care for cancer patients, and voluntarily#p#分頁標題#e#
organizing hiking, traveling and camping for the children in this community. These efforts greatly enhanced the
company’s reputation and helped us win back the confidence and support of our community. My experience at
[Company A] was highly rewarding because not only I gained substantial leadership and teamwork experiences, but
also I learned the value of effective communication in uniting a team and motivating each member to do their best.
Today, our society is experiencing the development of technology, the globalization of markets, and the
transformation of the economic landscape. All of these changes are testing us in unprecedented ways. As a leader of
consequence, in order to navigate organization through intense competition I need to strengthen my leadership in
the areas of interpersonal skill, managerial ability and business acumen. An MBA from Kellogg will allow me to
develop excellent interpersonal skills, for instance through courses in Negotiation, Managerial Leadership and Crisis
Management. At same time, discussions, group projects and presentations will contribute to improving these
qualities, enhanced by the renowned Kellogg environment with its emphasis on teamwork. In addition, Kellogg’s
MBA program offers a challenging and educative environment that I think will help me put my studies into practice
and will allow me to further develop my managerial ability. Through my current work experience at [Company B],
Comment [PC21]: Indent here, and at the
beginning of every paragraph.
Comment [PC22]: Indent and make a new
paragraph.
Comment [PC23]: Add “-s” at the end of this
word (pluralize it).
Comment [PC24]: Change to “were”
Comment [PC25]: Add “did” here.
Comment [PC26]: Change to “…I gained…”
Comment [PC27]: Change to a “.” (period) and
end this sentence.
Comment [PC28]: Delete.
Comment [PC29]: Reword and start this
sentence as “I also learned…”
Comment [PC30]: Indent.
Comment [PC31]: Reword: “In order to be both
an effective leader and an intense competitor,”
Comment [PC32]: Add “abilities”
Comment [PC33]: Add “-s” to pluralize.
Comment [PC34]: Change to “thanks to…”
Comment [PC35]: Delete.
Comment [PC36]: Add “all”.
Comment [PC37]: Change to: “especially with
the aid of Kellogg’s renowned work environment
and its emphasis on collaboration.” Or you may want
to make two sentences out of it, it is a bit long.
Comment [PC38]: Change to “educational”.
Comment [PC39]: Change to “…will surely…”
Comment [PC40]: Change to “skills to work”
Comment [PC41]: Delete.
Comment [PC42]: Delete, start with “My#p#分頁標題#e#
current…”
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3
Inc., I learned the importance of strong business acumen for startups. Therefore, at Kellogg I look forward to the
opportunity to participate in Business Leadership Club (BLC) in which students not only discuss and analyze
business issues, but also practice leadership skills in seminars and workshops sponsored by corporate leaders.
Because the Kellogg empowers its students by allowing them to plan, direct, and evaluate this required part of the
curriculum, I hope to develop the ability of seeing “big picture” and considering problems from a larger perspective
through my active involvement into this dynamic educational program. I am confident that earning MBA at Kellogg
will provide me with the firm academic foundation, well-rounded skill set, managerial ability and enhance business
acumen I need to succeed as a truly global executive.
General Comments:
On the whole I feel that you have an excellent command of English and were able to
convincingly assert yourself, your abilities, and your accomplishments. Grammatically, the
biggest area in need of improvement is your choice of articles before nouns (definite or
indefinite). Though this is nothing to worry about, it is a common area of difficulty for nonnative
speakers/writers of English. I would further say that you should, in the future, work on
condensing your sentences somewhat so as to avoid run-ons. Turn an exceedingly long sentence
into two medium-sized ones. As well use active voice more often instead of passive (that is,
avoid the use of “to be” with other verbs: was eating, was running, was working etc.)
Structurally, I felt that you just jumped into your experience at [Company A]. A one-or-two
sentence opener which introduces you and the general purpose of your statement would be
beneficial. Start a new paragraph at the word “During” (Comment 22). Breaking up written
works into more paragraphs can help the reader mentally separate your narrative and better
follow what it is use you are saying. Most of all you should move the paragraph where you talk
about the awards and recognition you and your team received to just before the paragraph
starting with “Today, our society is…” This way you will start your statement with the problems
you faced and the solutions you applied to them and then you will talk about your awards and
achievements and then about society and the Kellogg school and what they have to offer you. As
such the sequence of your statement will have a more rational progression.
Comment [PC43]: Change to “has taught me …”
Comment [PC44]: Add “a”
Comment [PC45]: Delete “Therefore…”, start
sentence with “At Kellogg…”#p#分頁標題#e#
Comment [PC46]: Change to “where”
Comment [PC47]: Drop the article “the”, it is
not necessary.
Comment [PC48]: End sentence here.
Comment [PC49]: Start new sentence here.
Comment [PC50]: Change to “to see the…”
Comment [PC51]: Change to “…approach…”
Comment [PC52]: Change to “better”
Comment [PC53]: Delete this entire fragment,
its unnecessary and ambivalent.
代寫MBA Essay Comment [PC54]: Add the word “an”
Comment [PC55]: Add “-d” at the end of this
word.
Comment [PC56]: Add “that” here.